Trying (And Failing) to Be "Present" During My Daily Permitted Exercise
I often write stream of consciousness essays like this, mostly whilst walking or on public transport, but I never post them anywhere. However, this week I read this Man Repeller article about the need for personal essays during quarantine and it gave me the push I needed to publish this one. There might be more, there might not! But I hope you enjoy this collection of my thoughts during my walk to, on and from the beach the other day.
I took this photo accidentally whilst tying my shoe
Shutting the gate to my house, I send a photo of the Creme Egg I am carrying to my boyfriend with the caption ‘Going to the beach with a seasonal snack.’ Photos like this one have become somewhat the norm, 9 days into self-isolation, in order to update him on my day, always trying to be funny, succeeding only occasionally.
I bite the top of the creme egg and begin to devour the filling. Usually I wouldn’t do this in public, but with only one other person to be seen on my road, and my inability to care about anything, including how I appear to others, in such a time of overwhelm, I do it with added vigour, smiling like a psychopath.
I fix my earphones into my ears, and press play on a podcast I’ve downloaded specifically for this walk. It’s an “in conversation” with Zadie Smith and Chimamanda Ngozi Adicihe by the New York Public Library. ‘Am I listening this so I can tell Instagram I listened to this while walking to the beach or do I actually want to listen to it?’ I thought to myself. I decide I do actually want to listen to it, although only partly for pleasure and also for education, although the two have become somewhat amalgamated in my head. I struggle with the pretentiousness of that idea, as someone who is notoriously condemning of anything pretentious - books, films, lecturers, songs, lifestyles etc. But after three years of studying English Literature, I’m beginning to realise I now enjoy many of these things, as has been made glaringly obvious to me now I am back at home, self-isolated with my family. 10 minutes into the walk, and the podcast, I am undoubtedly enjoying it but I will still post about it on Instagram later.
Part of what I am enjoying about the podcast is the sounds of the audience, their mumbles, sneezes; their laughter as Adichie reads out a passage from her book that describes Brooklyn as smelling like ‘warmed up trash.’ I breathe in through my nose in an attempt to characterise the smells around me. “Shit.” I think. “It smells like shit. But a nice kind of shit, a fresh kind. Animal poo, rather than human.” It’s almost comforting, after long days and nights spent in doors with only stale air and the artificial smell of anti-bacterial spray.
I’m walking down a side path next to a field and peer in at the houses I can see past the low fences. One house has a small conservatory, with a low roof that I might have to duck my 5’4 body in order to get inside. There’s a shelf filled with books. I can’t see their titles but they are old books, backed in fabrics made out of primary colours, rather than the shiny, bright contemporary paperbacks and hardbacks that fill my shelves.
I leave the path and approach one of the most infamous houses in my area, marked, as usual, by a small police van sitting outside of it, that I’m sure could be used for a better purpose during lockdown than guarding this millionaire’s property. I walk past the walls of the house, that are thick enough to prevent you from really being able to see the house whilst walking, but thin enough that you can catch glimpses of it that make you want to stop and stare. A design that I’m sure, like Gatsby’s, is intentionally alluringly elusive, built to encourage envy. “I am not envious”, I think as I walk by, smiling at a man and his dog stood 6 metres away from me. “But I wouldn’t mind self-isolating in there,” I sardonically say out loud under my breath, catching a glimpse of the huge circular balcony that is the size of the entire bottom floor of my house.
I chose this path to the beach for its practicality, having only an hour and fifteen minutes to spare before an online Barre class but it is one that I am not familiar with. I see two paths ahead of me, one that turns into a field and one next to a house I recognise. I opt for the latter, after skim reading a sign about the history of the area.
Once I am walking on it, I realise that there were in fact 3 paths, and I had not walked far enough to the one that was actually the quickest way to get to the beach. The path I am walking on is hardly a path at all, more of a break in marram grass made by those who were braver than me and followed their own navigation rather than that of a sign. I follow in their footprints, stopping every now and then as I notice a new path opening up beside me, sometimes taking it.
Arriving at the beach, there is, unusually, no breeze and I realise I do not need the puffer coat that is tied around my waist that I brought specifically to guard myself from the tough wind sent on by the ocean. I am greeted in the best way: by an enthusiastic dog with a ball in his mouth. I go to stroke him then realise, better not, pets can carry it without showing symptoms, and pass it on to others. I smile at him and he, irritated by my inability to imitate his glee, heads back to his cooperating owner.
I walk down the beach for around 10 minutes, taking photos and videos of the sand, the sea, the sun and my outfit. I consider posting them to Instagram now to encourage everyone to experience this spring-like day, but decide to post them later, half out of selfishness, of getting to be one of the few who chose to abandon their Netflix bingeing session (ignoring the ‘are you still watching?’ notification) and take their once-a-day permitted exercise, half because I want to use this time to be away from my screen, something that is increasingly difficult when the only social contact I get is on social media.
The irony is, I have been tapping away at my phone, writing this piece for the entirety of my walk. The podcast I was listening to is paused 11 minutes in.
I imagine the middle-aged people around me judging me, for spending my daily exercise on my phone. I’ve probably prompted a conversation in them that will fill the rest of their walk or run, about the toxicity of social media. “Well, too bad for them because I am not on social media but, writing.” I think to myself, irritatingly smug in the knowledge that their assumptions about me are wrong, ignoring the possibility that my assumption about what they’re thinking could also be incorrect.
To be truthful, being a person who writes is far more addictive than social media anyway. Hearing someone tell me they liked a sentence I wrote, or coming up with said sentence, produces far more adrenaline than a like on social media. And it takes me out of the moment more too. Because whenever I am seemingly in the moment, I’m reading, or listening to words (having mostly given up on music since the advent of podcasts) and sometimes, but admittedly less often than the others, writing them.
Maybe tomorrow I will use my daily walk to be. To be in the moment, to be adventurous. It feels as if this is how my time outside should be spent, seeing as there is now a limit on it. But I struggle to be in the moment, listening to the sounds of nature rather than the sounds of other people talking in my ears, or to be content to leave my thoughts in my head, instead, frantically writing all of them down, becoming distracted by something else I want to write about before finishing every sentence.
‘Excuse me, excuse me. Where’s the beach?’ A man, around my age, comes up to me, asking me this frantic question. I look up from my phone and turn around, to check the huge towering sand dunes behind me haven’t somehow disappeared. I see that they are, as expected, still there and point towards them. ‘The beach????’ He repeats, perplexed by my ignorance. I can smell his breath now he has moved closer, most definitely violating the 2 metre social-distancing rule; it smells like alcohol and I now understand his confusion. “Just follow that path down there,” I say, pointing. “Thanks!” He says and wanders off with his friend, the plastic bags they are carrying swinging and create a clinking sound from their contents.
“See now that’s what I should be doing,” I think to myself. “THAT would make a good story.”
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So You're Feeling Hopeless After The General Election...
Photo taken in Shakespeare & Co in Paris, 2018. A reminder that we all need going into 2020.
The General Election has happened. The Tories gained a huge majority. It’s shit. It’s disappointing. It’s scary. You’re probably feeling hopeless about the state of the country, of the world even. But wallowing in this hopelessness is not productive in any shape or form, for yourself or for the bettering of the world.
What is productive is fostering the hope you’ve been feeling over the last month in the run up to the General Election at the prospect of a better, more equal country and using it to creative positive change. The General Election may be over, but the world is not and there are so many things you can do to make the world a better place, even if the ruling party choose not to.
Hang on to the issues you care so deeply about, whatever has struck a chord for you during this election, whether that’s the NHS, the climate crisis, homelessness or whatever else. Find charities and campaigns that are championing these issues and become a part of them. Becoming a part of something you believe in, in which you can see clear change happening as a result of your actions is so rewarding and will turn at least some of your feelings of hopelessness into optimism. And although the prospect of the Tories being in power for another 5 years is daunting, this is 5 years in which you can campaign for whatever political party you believe in, rather than just doing so a couple of months before the election which is not as effective both because of the tension people are feeling and the limited time.
You can do this with your time or money, whatever works best for you but I would add that giving up your time is especially rewarding. However considering there’s only 12 days till Christmas (at least that was always going to be a silver lining after the election), consider giving charitable gifts this year, whether it’s donating to a charity of your choosing on someone else’s behalf, or buying a gift from the ChooseLove store for someone (I particularly love this idea).
What is key here is actually making change happen. Although social media seems like a great platform for activism at times, especially if you have a large follower count, it can be superficial and have little effect on the world, which can be frustrating. Whilst being out in the real world, making change through your actions has the opposite effect and is deeply fulfilling.
The connections you can make campaigning in real life are also often so much more sincere and impactful than those you can make through social media too. This is largely because social media is somewhat of an echo chamber for most of us, in which we only see our own left-wing views repeated back because, of course, we don’t want to follow people we disagree with.
I think the social media echo chamber is a significant reason why the General Election results might feel so devastating to many young people because it’s easy to be fooled by the 700 people you’re following that everyone thinks about the world in the same way you do, forgetting that there are over 66 million people living in the UK with incredibly diverse views.
This floored me during the past election and particularly during the EU referendum, as, although I was too young to vote in it, it initiated my interest in politics. But the politics I was interested in and thus surrounded myself with, were left-wing and pro-EU and thus, I was devastated by the result of the referendum. Whereas in this election, by staying informed as much as I could on what’s going on in the real world, the shock was minimised and my mental health has not been affected to such an extent.
Now I’m not advising be-friending Tories or filling your Twitter feed with opinions you disagree with. Instead, just gain an awareness. Read newspapers whose political leaning might be a little more right-leaning than your own, or at least be aware of what they’re saying. Talk to people who aren’t just your closest friendship group. Don’t immediately close off a conversation with someone just because their views are more right-wing than yours. By any means, you don’t need to be uber-polite to them. But at least engage in the conversation, if only to affirm that the politics you believe in are the ones you want to champion.
This awareness is not only necessary to advance any sort of left-wing politics (as the divisiveness we create in staying in our own bubble and shouting at anyone who might disagree with us is deeply harmful) but also to protect your personal mental health because being overly-optimistic unfortunately often leads to disappointment and despair. Although I am deeply saddened by the results of the General Election, by staying informed, it’s not far from what I expected. And for me, being able to prevent such despair is critical to my mental health.
Photo by @badasscrossstitch on Instagram
Finally, stay off social media as much as possible for the next few weeks. It’s going to be a site of tension, divisiveness and anger and it’s not a positive space in any sense, neither for your mental health or for creating a better world. Spend your time, instead, educating yourself, volunteering, becoming an activist, with your loved ones, with yourself and maybe even with your counsellor.
Because it’s absolutely okay if you do feel devastated by the result of the General Election. It’s okay if you think it’s triggered some of your mental health issues. Some might see it as ‘just politics’, but for many this General Election came with so much hope for the future and Thursday night’s exit poll probably felt like that broke down entirely. However, the world is not ending and there are so many ways we can make it a better place, but before you can do so, you have to ensure you’re in a good place. Although do consider doing both at the same time. Volunteering and activism can be an incredible way to feel fulfilled and improve your mental health, giving your able to do so, alongside whatever else you might need to stay healthy, including medication and counselling.
There is so much to be anxious about as we enter 2020 and this Tory government is certainly part of that, especially for vulnerable people in society. But lets channel our despair and fear into making a better country and a better world and lets use our time, money, voices- our privilege in whatever form it takes, to protect those who are truly vulnerable and to fight for what we care about.
I Don't Feel Guilty About Unfollowing On Social Media and Neither Should You
Cardigan- & Other Stories
Trousers- New Look
Bag- ASOS (sold out, similar here)
Shoes- Converse
Necklaces- Missoma X Lucy Williams Mini Fang Necklace & Missoma Body Language ‘A’ Initial Necklace
I spend A LOT of time on social media, an embarrassing amount of time to be honest. The new iPhone feature that tells you your daily and weekly screen time has made me very aware of this. On average, I probably spend about 2 hours a day on Instagram, according to my phone. That’s 14 hours a week, 60 hours a month, 730 hours a year! I’ve tried SO much to cut down on my screen time but, mostly, it feels like a losing game. The truth is, we live in a society that is addicted to social media so breaking the habit of scrolling isn’t as easy as we might think.
So if I am inevitably going to be spending this much time on social media, I want it to be a positive space. I want it to add something to my life! I definitely don’t want it to make me feel bad about myself or my life. I recently watched Lucy Moon’s video about organising her life and putting mindful habits into place for the new year and one of the things she did was go through all of her Twitter and Instagram followers and unfollowed anyone who didn’t inspire her or wasn’t her friend. I thought taking the time out to do this was such a good idea as I’ve never gone through my followers in this way and I had been thinking a lot about how I wanted to make social media a more positive and productive space.
So I did just that! I started with Twitter because I’ve been using Twitter for a long time, probably about 8 years if not more, and I’d never really thought about who I’m following. Plus, Twitter had been one of the spaces I found to be stressful because of the sheer amount of words that were thrown at me, many of which were from people I’m not really in touch with anymore or accounts that I’m just no longer interested in, which meant I was consuming a lot of information that wasn’t really positive or productive for me.
Like Lucy, I wanted to continue following all of my friends, as well as accounts that I find inspiring, informative and/or positive. I didn’t actually check how many people I followed before my ‘cleanse’ but I think it was between 400-600 people and I now only follow 113 people on Twitter. My following now mostly includes my friends, bloggers/social media people whose lives I find interesting, authors and musicians and newspapers/online platforms that I enjoy (e.g. Man Repeller and The New York Times).
Even one day after my little unfollowing spree, I noticed how much more I was enjoying scrolling through my Twitter feed, and it’s actually meant that I’ve gone on Twitter less too because there isn’t as much to see so I don’t have an excuse to endlessly carry on scrolling.
I haven’t finished ‘cleansing’ my Instagram following yet, purely because it was taking a little longer as I have to look at everyone’s feeds and decide whether I think they’re adding something to my life (in the form of inspiration, positivity or information) rather than, like with Twitter, just knowing straight away whether this is the case. But I know when I do get the chance to finish clearing up my Instagram, it’s going to make scrolling there so much more positive for me too.
Despite the fact that I am doing all of this unfollowing to make social media a better space for me personally, there is still some guilt in unfollowing. Even if you haven’t spoken to someone for years, it can feel a little bitchy or arrogant to unfollow people. But it really isn’t! It’s a positive thing for you and your mental health. And after seeing how much my social media use changed for the better after doing my little ‘cleanse’, I really don’t feel guilty about it all.
I personally wouldn't be offended one bit if someone wanted to unfollow me, for whatever reason. Whether it’s because we’re not in touch anymore and they’re no longer interested in what I get up to or if it’s just that they just don’t find my content particularly interesting or inspiring! That’s fine! I feel like I’d have to be pretty vain to think that everyone is going to care about my life enough to hear about it pretty much every day.
Unfollowing people is an act of self-care, which means it’s absolutely nothing personal towards the people you’re unfollowing, in fact it’s the complete opposite, it’s all about you! And it’s okay to be selfish here. You can’t please everyone and you shouldn’t have to and if people are going to be offended that you’ve unfollowed them, it really is their own problem/issue, not yours.
So if you do have some free time over the next few days, take out an hour or two to go through your following lists on social media and cleanse it of anyone/anything that isn’t a positive influence on your life. If you spend as much time on social media as I do, it’s kind of necessary for it to be a source of positivity because if it isn’t, just think how that amount of time spent in a negative space will affect you, your mental health and your general mood. And please don’t feel guilty about it! You should never feel guilty for looking after yourself and if people are going to make you feel guilty about that, they’re not really people you want in your life anyway, so you know you’ve made the right decision in unfollowing them!
I’d love to hear how you feel about unfollowing on social media. Is ‘cleansing’ your following something you already do regularly or have you never thought about it before? Is your screen time as high as mine (please say yes)? Let me know in the comments or send me a message over on social media, speak of the devil!
Despite the fact that I’ve just referred to it as satanic, social media and a high screen time does not necessarily need to be a bad thing, as it’s often made out to be. If you can make your social media into a space that provides inspiration, positivity, information, or whatever else it is you want to get from it, it can be an amazing place to spend your time!
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